Online Dating True Stories
Not The Man I Thought He Was
Not The Man I Thought He Was
Sent in by CS, NJ
I thought I knew him so
well. We'd been "virtually" dating for almost 6 months, writing back and
forth - meeting in chat rooms - chatting on IM and ICQ - and nearer the
time of meeting talking for hours and hours on the phone.
It's not like either of us
was new to the Net and on-line romance either. Heck, we'd both been through
our on-line/off-line disappointments. Now I wish I had taken the time to
chat to the women he'd already met in Real Life from our on-line chat community.
Maybe they would have warned me about what was to follow...
He was from sunny California.
I live in a colder (and damper) climate. When we first exchanged pictures
he teased me about my lack of tan. I envied him his tan, in a good natured
way. His motorcycle wouldn't get nearly the amount of use in my area, for
sure.
We originally met in an on-line
community chat room - a popular one out there - I don't go to it anymore.
Back then he had been pretty close to someone else so I just knew him as
a friend, a nice guy who now and then would ask me how I was and how my
day went. When he found out I was an accountant he would ask me questions
regarding his taxes and what the best way was for him to organize his personal
finances. Nothing too serious, with some good-natured teasing in between
too.
Now, you see, when someone
asks me about their financial situation and how best to invest their money
as well as the most practical tax solutions, I assume they're telling me
the truth about the house they own, the second vehicle they have used to
get to and from work - used specifically for the job, the investments they've
made regarding pensions and retirement funds... In order for me to give
any advice I really need to know these things anyway. I don't expect them
to be fabrication. I do take my job seriously after all.
I guess the tone of our relationship
began to change shortly after he met in real life a woman he had been sort
of dating on-line - which coincidentally was about the same time I bought
my new car. He initially chatted to me asking about the car, what kind
was it, it was brand new off the lot - how much did that cost me, what
was the interior like, did I get all the custom add-ons, etc., etc.
Then he hinted he had a personal
problem he'd like to discuss on IM if I would give him my "handle". I agreed
to it and we switched from the chat room onto Instant Messenger where he
told me how his Real Life date turned into a major catastrophe. I empathized
with him and from there we grew much closer - I guess "dating" in a sense.
Every time we'd see each other on the IM we'd chat together for hours.
It was a few months later we finally exchanged pictures and phone numbers.
When the phone bills started
adding up, we made what I thought was a practical decision - let's meet
IRL (In Real Life). I can't really recall which of us brought the subject
up first. He decided to ride his motorcycle for the visit. It was summer
after all, and his last contract was over. He said he wasn't expecting
another contract for at least a month or longer so he had plenty of time.
If he hadn't stopped in 3
towns along the way he probably would have arrived within the 4 days he
said he would be. As it was, it was two weeks later (and several expensive
"collect" long distance calls) before he showed up on my doorstep prepared
to spend the next 2 weeks with me.
During our first week together,
the phone bill arrived. I told him I'd have to work overtime to pay this
last one off. He said, if I could afford a car "like that" surely I could
handle a few minor phone bills without having to be a slave to the job.
That was our second night together. Things went quickly downhill from there.
If you haven't already guessed,
no - he didn't own the house, nor the extra vehicles, nor the portfolio
of investments. In fact, his last "contract" was actually a 2 week temp
job in a warehouse unloading rail cars. Prior to that he hadn't worked
in almost 3 months. The phone he had been calling me on was his sister's
(and boy - she was mad - which explained his rush to get out of town for
a while).
Quite frankly, none of this
would have mattered to me in the least if they hadn't been lies. Like the
lies of why he stopped in the 3 towns on his way to meet me. The women
he met there (one of them from the on-line community told me about their
visit together and how she had to practically "kick" him out to get rid
of him) were all those he had been writing to regularly. The two he met
staying at my house (when I was working) he had told he was staying in
an hotel while in town. I guess he didn't want to "put all his eggs in
one basket" so to speak, just in case things didn't work out between him
and I.
Our second week together
was absolutely terrible. I felt like a trespasser in my own home. Every
move I made he found something to criticize me for... My girlfriend at
work wondered what was wrong with me, I seemed so withdrawn and quiet.
When I told her what was going on she became furious that I hadn't kicked
the guy out right off the bat, right after discovering the first lie. I
told her I'd feel too guilty - after all, I had invited him all that way
and now I discover he hasn't even got the funds to make it back home. I'd
been feeling terrible about that.
We talked for well over an
hour after work one day when I spilled out the rest of the story. It was
then she opened my eyes to a few things. I had fallen into an abusive relationship.
This man was actually psychologically abusing me, to control me. The "good-natured
teasing" about my lack of a tan was the stepping stone to him making me
feel bad about how I looked even before we met - and I never even saw it
happening.
I'm a pretty private person
by nature - a bit on the shy side. For me to even send this story in is
uncomfortable to say the least. But in this case I kind of wish our identities
could be revealed, so I could warn other women about this man too, even
if it means my own identity would be revealed. Still, I hope the story
itself will make others think carefully about the relationships they develop
and make sure they ask the right questions - make sure they really know
who they're virtually dating - and if possible, when you do meet (if you
do) make sure it's on neutral grounds. Don't invite him or her into your
home, your life, until you're good and ready.
I feel kind of stupid now,
looking back on it all. I'm not even sure at what point I became the "victim"
in this abusive relationship. At my age I really think I should have known
better. I've started a few self-discovery programs since this experience
- even bought the book The
16 Personality Types to make sure I don't fall into this pattern again.
My only hope is that by sharing
my personal embarrassment here it may help others to avoid what happened to me.
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