Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the missus that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittiness -- even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'damn it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."
 

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir.  I`ll change you from 502 to 555.  Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it.  He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."