"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll 
never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not. If I 
don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
~Larry Miller~

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
~Marilyn Pittman~

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
~Christopher Case~

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
~Bob Ettinger~

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
~Sue Murphy~

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
~Jerry Seinfeld~

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
~Paul Rodriguez~

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
~Lily Tomlin~

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something 
else."
~Lily Tomlin~

"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
~George Carlin~

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
~Jackie Gleason~

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."
~Roger Simon~

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
~Dave Edison~

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
~A. Whitney Brown~

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
~Mark Twain~