The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.  As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'.  Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'.  This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'.  During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.  After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl.  Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

 1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
 2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
 3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
 4. "I was working smarter, not harder."
 5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
 6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
 7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
 8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
 9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss) made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
13. "The coffee machine is broke...."
14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Walton's)"
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."
20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
21. "I thought you (boss) were gone for the day."

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Seen it all,
done it all,
can't remember most of it.