Here's the recipe (as best as I can remember it, it's a little fuzzy):

Ingredients:

• 1 cup water
• 1 cup sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups dried fruit
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon sault
• 1 cup brown sugar
• lemon juice
• nuts
• 1 bottle of whiskey**

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. 

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. 

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.
 

For those of you who really do like fruitcake, we've included some bonus recipes with this card. We hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy!!

This fruitcake needs no aging. Makes 1 - 9 x 5 inch loaf cake ( 12 servings).

Ingredients:
3/4 cup candied orange peel
1/2 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup golden raisins
1-1/2 cups and 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons and 1-1/2 teaspoons honey
2 eggs
1 tablespoon and 1-1/2 teaspoons light cream
2 tablespoons dark rum
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Directions:
Toss the candied orange peel, walnuts, and raisins with 2 tablespoons flour. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream the butter with the sugar and honey. Beat in the egg, then the cream or milk, rum, and vanilla. Stir together the remaining 1 1/2 cups flour and the baking powder; beat into the creamed mixture. Stir in the fruits and nuts. Turn the batter into a greased and floured 9 x 5 inch loaf pan.

Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) oven for 10 minutes. Lower the heat to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Bake the cake 45 minutes longer, or until it tests done with a toothpick. Transfer to a rack to cool.
 

This is designed for people who don't like fruitcake. It is not as sweet or as dry. Makes 24 to 36 servings .

Ingredients:
2 eggs
2 cups water
1 (16 ounce) package date bread mix
2 cups chopped pecans
2 cups raisins
3 (8 ounce) packages mixed 
candied fruit

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour bottom and sides of a 10 inch tube pan or Bundt pan.

In a large bowl, combine eggs and water. Stir in bread mix, chopped pecans, raisins, and candied fruit. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake for 75 to 85 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Cool in pan for 30 minutes. Loosen edges and remove from pan. Cool completely. Wrap in plastic wrap or foil and store in refrigerator.